ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
🤣🤣🤣
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
the rocks need my help
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.