Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b