*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”