Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
just having fun
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[montage of me giving-up]
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.