I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.