Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Huge, if true.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.