just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
You Might Also Like
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes