Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
You Might Also Like
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…