HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.