mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m giving up ice.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine