I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.