Shark week, but for squirrels.
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?