[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Before & after 😅
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom