me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
You Might Also Like
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
#titanic
Thrilling chase underway
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer