it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
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moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS