“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Happens to everyone.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.