Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Shower sex be like:
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
The asteroid..
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.