The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Every BBC series about the universe.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.