How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
You Might Also Like
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….