Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
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Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Worst Native American name ever.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Canada has crack?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.