No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My dad teaching me to drive
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”