Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Lol.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.