My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My apartment is a mess, I should move
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest