The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.