where the womens at?
You Might Also Like
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.