“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity