at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.