[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.