Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You Might Also Like
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
The honesty is refreshing
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Made something I’m not proud of
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.