Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.