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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
doing your own taxes
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
this is what they would have looked like, though
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.