I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA