“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem