My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Thoughts
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*