Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious