SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
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WWE is French for “yes”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.