“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Sing it!
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.