There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Every BBC series about the universe.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”