Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
When they try to steal your moment.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
#CatsOnTwitter
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to