1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh