He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.