Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot