When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Someone just threatened to call me later
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.