“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?