houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”