Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Yes my dude
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.