i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.