My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
concern
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend