sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
You Might Also Like
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Still cracks me up
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Bros before Ohioes
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?