Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Who’s your best friend?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*